Sunday, September 27, 2009

Hold Me?

I'm starting to get so very very nervous. I know it's ridiculous--I'm gone what, five weeks total? Five weeks is a drop in the ocean of time. I'm not going to be gone for months or years or to go live in the forests of India forever.

And I really do want to do this. For reals. The excitement I feel is just heavily layered with nervous anticipation right now.

I don't think I'm as nervous about culture shock or potential illness or anything like that. What is scampering around in my mind a lot lately is how, like, contemplate and stuff this trip is going to be. When I distill my anticipation down to a single point, I am nervous about the sheer amount of time that I will be spending alone. In silence, more or less, unless I develop a fun habit of muttering to myself.

When I'm not surrounded by the people I love or by the stressors that pervade my everyday life or simply by the habits that are so integrated into me, is there anything of value left over? Because what happens when the constant stimuli I have here is stripped away and I am left to my own devices? Part of why I was so interested, and am now so nervous about this journey, is that I want to find out exactly that.

I really struggle with what exactly makes me, well, me. And though I think that this will be an amazing, albeit short, chance for me to view my life from a different perspective, I know that there is also going to be some grasping around to find something to hold on to while I do this.

I've had a lot of people ask me about all the attachments I'm leaving behind here and how I'll be able to cope with them. That is an excellent question. "Attachments" have such a bad connotation, but when you think about the actual word, I don't think it's such a bad thing to have a little of. I am happy to be attached to some of the people and things in my life--they anchor me, keeping my from floating adrift, aloof, alone.

So I guess we (or I, singular, soon?) shall see. Hmmm boy.

...Two days...!


Matt said...

I know I don't know anything about the eastern philosophy that your blog centers around but I wanted to say something. I think that if I can go to San Diego for a yet to be determined number of years. That's right Mr. had a tough time moving to Golden. I think you with your adventurous spirit will do great and treasure your choice forever. If you get some weird disease... and live then that will be an great experience too.

I would say that right now I go through a lot more lows than highs. Mostly because I have nothing to keep me occupied. Mostly from a lack of school work, but I suppose that it is also caused by my leaving behind my attachments. Family, friends, old environment, etc. It is difficult. But, today that lack of attachments brought great opportunity. Since I had basically unlimited time today I left the nearby La Jolla area to go north up the coast on my bike to Del Mar and beyond. Let me say it was unreal (like Golden but on the ocean). I would say it is the most beautiful stretch of coast I have ever seen in my life. I left that past thinking mindset I get caught in a lot and I found a new happy place. I guess a lack of attachment became a great opportunity.

Same thing as when I went to LA. It wasn't perfect by any means, but I would not trade that experience for anything. That change in environment taught me a ton about myself just like I am going through again. Albeit it is difficult and I think about quitting from time to time. But, I can always go back to where I came from, but its not everyday you get the opportunity to go beyond your bounds like never before.

One last thing. On the UCSD campus there is a big banner that says "your life begins when you leave your comfort zone." It kind of explains my life right now. Yours too?

I may have missed the whole point of what you meant. So, feel free to delete this if that is the case.

Anyway, good luck and enjoy your journey.

Marisa said...

Instead of nervous be... curious. or interested. or open. or watchful. or questioning.

Be in the NOW--not the past, not the future. Keep breathing!